Letting Go: Parenting Teens
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
- Mark Twain
Parenting is hard and parenting teens can be mind-blowing! As a step-parent to two amazing people, now both in their 20’s, I experienced the process first hand. I have also walked countless families through this maze as a School Counselor and in private practice as a therapist. No one gets a manual on how to parent and there certainly isn’t just one way, but I will share what I have witnessed, experienced and advised.
There are many stages to parenting and if it teaches us anything, it is to learn flexibility. Often our children don’t mold to us, but we learn to mold to them. From early on we watch how they take-in information and adjust to their learning styles. We often find ourselves adapting our sleep patterns, eating rhythms and tastes, as well as activities to incorporate their needs. As kids get into the primary school years many families develop a pattern, a rhythm. There are known rules and rituals, expectations and even a certain flow develops.
SCREECHHHHHH…..That is the halting feeling and sound of the teenage years, the hormones and abstract thinking. Everything you have known as a parent shifts. This little person is becoming an individual and wants nothing more than to be separate from you. They want their own power and distinction. They are doing their best to individuate. They may be doing this by pissing you off or pushing your triggers. Is this conscious? Not necessarily, but they have been studying you over the years just as you have been watching them. If over the years you have made observations and judgements about piercings or people’s style, guess whose son will be wanting a nose ring and a blue mohawk? If you’ve been promoting all natural products and environmental consciousness, guess whose daughter wants nothing other than designer clothes and to drive a diesel truck? Now these extremes don’t happen in every family, but the need for individuation does.
The challenge for parents during this time is how to let this process of differentiation happen and still uphold the code in which you have raised your children. It is a thinly walked line of reminding our children of our values, rules and expectations, but allowing them to make decisions on their own. It is allowing for natural and logical consequences to take effect. It is about having fewer rules with greater impact. It is about having more discussions rather than lectures. It is doing our best to come from a place of curiosity rather than one of condemnation.
There is a letting go process that happens during this time. Our hopes and dreams for our children were planted long ago, but their life is becoming their own and they have hopes and dreams of their own. Sometimes our dreams and theirs are aligned, but when they are not, it is important to allow room for their dreams and choices to blossom. This can be incredibly difficult and confusing for parents. Your heart may feel like it couldn’t be any more broken than watching your child make a choice that isn’t the “right” one for them, but we must trust their process of growth. We must continue to give them love whether or not we love their behavior or their choices. We must continue to remain strong and let them know where we stand, but recognize the limit of our control and power. And we must have faith that their journey, built on the foundation that we established together from birth, will take them where they need to go.