On the Edge: What Anger Can Teach Us
Have you ever been overcome with an emotional reaction so strong and unforeseen that it knocks you off your normally calm way of being? A friend flakes on you, someone dismisses your feelings, you are ignored or “ghosted”, or you are left without explanation or warning, all of which create a punch in the stomach feeling of being undervalued. The emotional reaction is one of spitting fire, anger that maybe feels “crazy” or out-of-control. It sucks! At the same time I want to help encourage you to take these moments for the opportunities they present.
Often when we feel angry it is because we feel under appreciated or undervalued, maybe even misunderstood. Perhaps we feel insignificant and unseen so our emotional reaction becomes bigger, louder, and more destructive. We fight to be seen and heard. Possibly there is a different way to utilize this reaction. I often wonder if in these situations we can stop long enough to recognize the triggering event and then communicate more effectively.
My goal in offering this process is to have you be heard in a more effective way that communicates your hurt and maybe even heals the situation. The first challenge is to notice the reaction in the midst of it’s development. How do we do this?? How do we notice anything other than our anger when we are so frustrated?? It starts with the body. Our bodies are amazing instruments that communicate so much to us, if we listen. Tune into your body as your first step in anger. Is your heart rate elevated? Is your face flushed? Do you have a pit in your stomach? Are your shoulders tight and raised? Do you have a headache? Be an observer of where your anger is lodged in your body.
The next step is to do an exercise. Tara Brach, a psychologist and teacher of Buddhist meditation, calls this exercise a gesture of kindness to ourselves. I’ve included her website at the end of the article to reference this exercise or others and her meditation teachings. Brach encourages a gentle hand to our heart, a whisper of “you are enough” or “I love you” or “I’m sorry you are in pain.” A nurturing with words or touch toward the place the anger is lodged in your body. Some words of kindness to ourself to soothe the pain we feel. Some holding of our own recognition and validation of our pain. We witness ourselves with kind words and a gentle, loving touch.
And then lastly we try to decipher where the anger started. What about this current trigger or situation is familiar to us? Have we felt this way before and was it caused by a similar situation? More than likely when we have a visceral reaction to an event, it is because we have experienced something similar to it before and it was never healed. Many times it goes back to our childhood and emotional disappointments we experienced. It is important to recognize the root of the visceral reaction so that we can address the initial pain and hopefully subdue or even eliminate the pain it creates. Sometimes we need the help of a trained professional to understand this pattern. It can also help to talk with a partner or good friend about what you notice regarding your patterns in anger.
When we have consciousness about our anger, we are often more able to communicate what our upset is truly about in a calmer way. This is certainly not about suppressing or ignoring anger. It is a process valuing anger as a tool toward healing.
https://www.tarabrach.com