Being Seen: Deepening Intimacy
Hearts swoon when you mention Lloyd Dobler and perhaps an image appears in your mind of a man with a boombox playing, “In your eyes, the light the heat…” Well, I guess the swooning and image only happen if you were a fan of the 1989 movie Say Anything starring John Cusack. There is an iconic scene in this movie where Lloyd is pleading to his love with a song about the depth of his devotion and what he sees when he looks into her eyes.
I reference this scene and song to highlight the power of looking into another’s eyes.In a study out of Duke University by Patricia Glixon back in the 70’s, the connection between eye contact and intimacy was investigated. The study tested if three minutes of eye contact between two strangers brought upon an increased feeling of connection, empathy and openness. The participants confirmed the hypothesis. More recently a study from Japan’s National Institute for Physiological Studies looked at the brain activity during mutual gaze and concluded that there was synchronized physiological responses that indicate shared attention through this mutual gaze. All of this to say, eye contact is significant in establishing connection and deepening intimacy.
Ray-Ban, the sunglasses company, referencing some of the above research, decided to explore the idea of deepening intimacy with eye contact through Eye to Eye: A Social Experiment in Courage. They paired strangers together and asked them to gaze into each others eyes for four minutes and then ask one another 36 questions. The participants reported the experiment to be therapeutic, revealing, and intimate. The addition of the 36 questions (click on this link to access the questions) was based on a study published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology in 1997 that considered self-disclosure as a measurement for deepening closeness. One of the clips from the Ray-Ban experiment is attached at the end of this blog.
These studies and experiments are reviewing eye contact and self-disclosure with strangers. Imagine what could happen if we explored these elements with our loved ones. When was the last time you took the time to gaze silently into your partner’s eyes for minutes? What happens when you do? And the questions, what happens when we take the time to engage in conversation with our loved ones that isn’t about household management or kids or daily details? These questions can be quite revealing and deepen our knowing of one another. If you are looking to deepen your intimacy with your mate, friend, family or perhaps even new acquaintances, take the time to do some experimenting of your own.