Listening: How To Be Like Sherlock
Recently I have been having many conversations where people end up saying, “The problem is people don’t listen.” I hear this in the context of government, school, family, relationship, and business systems. A common occurrence is when people are engaging in conversation, they sometimes are not listening, but rather preparing their part of the conversation. The issue with this kind of exchange is that neither party really feels heard and the conversation often doesn’t feel very fulfilling or productive.
What does it look like to have a conversation where listening is the main objective? It looks a lot like watching our favorite sleuth Sherlock Holmes when he listens.
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, and author, who has termed a certain type of listening as learning how to be a “Sherlock.” In his book Wired for Dating, Tatkin focuses on neurobiology and attachment theory to break down how to find a well-suited partner. One of the key concepts is how to listen like Sherlock.
If you have ever read or watched any of the Sherlock Holmes series, you know the amazement of how he would uncover and solve various cases. While often portrayed as quite intelligent, perhaps Sherlock’s greatest deductive attribute was that of observation. In fact, one of Sherlock’s famous sayings is, “You see, but you don’t observe.” In this statement, he is making the case for what others miss that he catches. This type of in-depth observation is exactly what Tatkin proposes will help people learn to listen better.
How to Sherlock
Use more senses than your ears - When we listen we clearly use our ears to hear what is said, but we also underutilize our other senses. What do you notice with your eyes? Do you have any gut reactions or sensations when hearing what is being said? What are your other bodily sensations when you hear another person speak such as goosebumps, warmth, closeness, butterflies, increased heartbeat, drawn into their words, or even the opposite of that maybe nausea, irritability, tiredness, and distractibility? There is a lot to be learned from your sensory perceptions.
Non-Verbal Clues - There are a variety of theories on this, but most experts agree that more than 70% of communication is non-verbal. That means that the minority of what is communicated is actually in words. We learn so much from witnessing non-verbal clues. This includes tone of voice, facial movements such as smiles or frowns, flushing of the face, eye contact, dilation or contraction of the pupils, nodding of the head, hand gestures, and other body language such as fidgeting and nail-biting.
Ask Questions - I’m certainly not encouraging an interrogation or a digging that feels intrusive. Be gentle, even sensitive with your questions. Ask open-ended questions rather than questions that elicit a “yes” or “no” response. An open-ended question usually starts with “what,” “how,” and “why.” You can also ask for elaboration on a subject by saying, “Tell me more about that.” The more information that is shared the deeper the conversation and learning of one another.
Keep an Open Mind - As the observer be careful not to jump to assumptions or conclusions. Look for the things that aren’t being said. Many times our mind looks for patterns and acts on those. We see this when people try to finish each other’s sentences. Be patient enough to allow the person to finish their sentences and viewpoints.
The benefit of listening like Sherlock has so many perks. The person you are listening to will feel really heard, valued, and appreciated. You as the listener also benefit. When we focus on our own neurobiological experience and stay mindful in the moment of communicative exchange, we tend to stay calm and regulated. Next time you are having a conversation and you want to understand or learn more about the person you are conversing with, try putting your sleuth hat on.