Shame: The Breeding Ground of Black-or-White Thinking
There is a cognitive distortion named all-or-nothing thinking, sometimes referred to as black-or-white thinking. In this thought pattern you tend to view things in extreme ways. For example, you attempt a project and it doesn’t turn out the way you intended. If you find yourself saying, “that was a waste of time” or “nothing ever goes my way,” you are experiencing all-or-nothing thinking. If you apply for a job and don’t get it or go for a date and it doesn’t work out, then find yourself muttering, “I get rejected by everyone,” you have fallen into the trap of black-or-white thinking. The danger of this cognitive distortion is it negates all the other elements of an event. This way of thinking does not allow someone to celebrate the effort of the attempt or the learning that takes place from failure.
We can see the negative influence of all-or-nothing thinking clearly in the realm of shame. There are two helpful definitions of shame’s process and impact by acclaimed researchers in the field of shame studies. Gershen Kaufman, clinical psychologist and prolific author on the subject of shame, observes, “shame is a fundamental sense of being defective as a person.” Brené Brown, shame and vulnerability researcher as well as well-respected author on the subject, adds to this concept, shame “is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging…[which] makes us unworthy of connection.” Both definitions assert shame exists because we think we are damaged. Then in the state of perceived imperfection we isolate because we assume we cannot be loved. This process of self-judgement and isolation breeds in black-or-white thinking.
Many of us can conjure a memory of not sticking up for ourselves to a bully, being socially awkward in a situation, not achieving to our expectations, failed attempts in relationships, embarrassing failures exposed and poor decisions come to light. All of these situations can fester in our mind and create great psychological damage if we allow ourselves to make the reflections one dimensional. If all we see is how we failed, it leads us to marinate in our flaws, isolate and increase feelings of shame.
Here are two antidotes to fighting both shame and all-or-nothing thinking:
Allow for the grey - We are not one dimensional beings. We have magnitudes of traits, abilities, and emotions. We have strengths and growing edges. Seek them all out. Know that we are imperfect beings and life is not stagnate. For every defeat, there can also be a success. For every loss, know that it is possible to find a win.
Share your stories - Choose wisely a compassionate ear to bend when you are feeling shame or find yourself in black-or-white thinking. Perhaps a therapist, loving partner, or good friend can create a bridge out of isolation and toward self-acceptance. When we share our stories and feel heard, it decreases shame and increases perspective on life’s events.