Crossing Over: Picket lines and Picket Signs….
“What’s Going On,” a protest song by Marvin Gaye was released in 1971. It was originally inspired by some events that a co-musician friend of Gaye’s had seen in San Francisco during anti-war protests. The musicians had a conversation about what was going on in regard to people being able to express outrage versus the containment of outrage. I was reminded of this idea when I heard about the protests at the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation. There was the protest and the containing of protest. These situations often lead to violence and brutality, as the lyrics to the song indicate. As a therapist and someone who works with communication frequently, it makes me wonder where the breakdown in communication happens when we have opposing sides. How do we go from peaceful assembly to tear gas?
My point of reference is the couples I’ve worked with throughout my career. Luckily, no one I’ve worked with has gone from peaceful conversation to tear gas, but certainly there are ample examples of people going from calm to violent communication. Over the years, I have identified some areas that usually get triggered in conversation creating increased force and decreased solution, but often in the heat of the moment it can be difficult to remember all the things we discuss in therapy. So, I like to come up with acronyms, analogies, and metaphors to help my clients remember these concepts. The following acronym can be utilized when having conflict or when recognizing the conversation is headed toward more violent communication.
LOVE - Listen. Observe. Validate. Express
Listen - When I say listen, I mean really hearing. This comes from a place of trying to understand what the person is saying, not just getting ready to respond to what they are saying. It is common for people to be in defense mode when arguing. They are getting ready to make their next point or re-emphasize their first point. The best conversations happen when there is an equal exchange of ideas.
Observe - Use your senses to observe how you are feeling emotionally and physically. Is this conversation creating something in you that you didn’t expect? Do you need to take some deep breaths or a break? Observe your partner as well. What are their emotional and physical responses? It’s important to check in with yourself during heated arguments and always valid to take a break, then return to the conversation when you are in a calmer state.
Validate - This step is critical. Most of us want to be validated in our stance. Now, validation and agreement do not have to be the same thing. You can validate what someone says and still be in disagreement. Validation is offering the person support in their idea and can co-exist with holding a different belief. Here are some examples of how to offer validation in an argument, “Ah, I see why you think….,” “Oh, I now understand your perspective,” “You’ve illuminated a concept I didn’t understand before,” and “Thank you for explaining your view point.”
Express - Your opportunity to express your point of view. Recognize that people tend to hear opinions more clearly when there is a calm, quieter tone expressed and when body language is not intimidating. Take some deep breaths or pause before speaking to aid you in remaining more even-tempered.
Similar to the above acronym, in the song, “What’s Going On,” Gaye talks about de-escalating the situation with love, understanding, non-judgement, talking and listening. Take a listen for yourself and lead with LOVE next time you are in conflict.