Anger: The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse
When working with couples, I often bring up Dr. John Gottman, who is best known for his work on predicting martial sustainability through scientific analysis and creating the Gottman Institute, where they teach the findings of his research. One of the most renowned elements of his research examines the way couples fight and make up. Dr. Gottman states that conflict is a natural part of relationships, but the way in which the conflict is conducted and resolved is where issues may arise. Dr. Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse refer to four different components that fights can be categorized with correlated antidotes. In his research, Dr. Gottman was able to predict with more than 90% accuracy if a relationship was going to end in divorce due to these conflict styles. Below is a description of the various fighting styles and their connected remedy.
Criticism > “I” messages
Criticism is usually an attack on your partner’s character maybe delivered with a “you always” or “you never.” The criticism feels like an assault and is often met with a defensive, protective reaction from the partner receiving the slaying words. In order to diffuse criticism, frustrations can be communicated with “I” messages. When we criticize, the critical statement is another mode to voice our needs or wishes. We can take responsibility for our own desires by stating our wishes, rather than pointing the finger of blame at our partners. For example, “You never listen to me,” could turn into, “I feel ignored and would like your attention.”
Contempt > Foster respect and kindness
One of the most insidious of the Four Horsemen is contempt because it is mean. Contempt is couched in sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling, and hostile humor. Contempt sometimes is brushed off as “joking,” but it is no joke. Contempt is rooted in a lack of respect for your partner, and is the number one predictor of divorce according to Dr. Gottman. Dr. Gottman encourages couples to practice extricating contempt completely from their relationship and replace it with fondness, appreciation and gratitude for your partner.
Defensiveness > Take responsibility
Defensiveness often comes from feeling the need to self-protect. It is a way to deflect the negative attention coming your way. Defensiveness shows up when the finger is pointed at you and you attempt to turn the finger back to your partner. The problem with this strategy is it just escalates the fight. The remedy for defensiveness is to take a look at your responsibility in the matter and own it. You don’t have to own the entirety of the fight as most fights are equally shared, yet you can take responsibility for your part.
Stone-walling > Take a break
The previous three Horsemen usually create the space for Stone-walling to occur. Stone-walling is when one partner feels overwhelmed or flooded from the erupting conflict and shuts down emotionally, verbally, sometimes even physically by walking or turning away. Similarly to defensiveness, Stone-walling is self-protection and often escalates a conflict. When Stone-walling occurs, try to take a break from the conflict with an agreed upon time to reengage the topic of conflict. During the break from the disagreement, make sure you engage in something self-soothing or distracting for yourself. It is critical that both partners come back to the conflict in a calmer state, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
If you identify these types of conflictual styles in your relationship, understand you are not doomed for divorce, yet you must decide if you want to work to correct the behaviors you and your partner have set into motion. When you make the repairs to The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse you and your partner will have an opportunity to reclaim a peaceful, respectful, and loving union.