You’ve probably seen a toddler throw a tantrum and go into full meltdown mode. It often happens in a store or a park when they encounter a rule or circumstance they don’t like or agree with. Developmentally, tantrums are usually associated with the task of gaining autonomy. A 2- or 3-year-old is trying to assert their will and expand their domain. We see this again in teenagers, whose developmental goals include becoming more independent and strengthening what defines them as individuals. As a society, we’ve recognized and named these developmental tasks and, to some extent, assume tantrums are limited to those ages.
Over the past several years, tantrums have become more common outside those developmental stages. I hear and see many examples of people having them when they encounter something they don’t want or can’t accept. I have theories about why we’re seeing more emotional outbursts, including the influence of role models in our society. But rather than explore why this is happening, I want to offer ways to help you or your loved ones move beyond an exaggerated emotional reaction and toward greater emotional regulation.
The following applies to toddlers, teenagers, and adults who react strongly to a limit, boundary, or unwanted circumstance they’re struggling to accept.
Allow the initial emotional release. Avoid trying to reason with them while they vent, scream, or cry; their logical brain is temporarily offline. This initial release can be intense and is usually not controlled, so it is important to provide a safe space for them to express their emotions. Safety matters for both the person having the tantrum and anyone witnessing it. You may need to remove yourself from the situation as a bystander. If so, explain why: “It seems important for both of us to have some space so you can release what you need to,” or “Perhaps some alone time would serve us both.”
Offering breathing techniques can help when someone is having a hard time regulating. One easy technique to remember is to breathe in and out, making your exhale longer than your inhale. This can help regulate the nervous system.
Acknowledge their disappointment without changing the rule. Once their initial reaction has passed, you can talk with them about what upset them. The goal is to recognize the depth of their emotional response, whether it’s anger, disappointment, or frustration. You can validate someone’s feelings even when you don’t agree with their position or reaction. Recognizing their emotional experience can be validating, even when the circumstances remain unchanged.
If you set a boundary or limit that frustrates someone, you can acknowledge their sadness or anger while still holding the boundary or limit. You can maintain the limit and recognize that it makes things difficult for the person you’re interacting with. Again, validating the emotion can restore calm, even though the reality of the situation remains unchanged.
Offer a realistic alternative later. Once they quiet down, talk about what they can control or do next instead of focusing on what they cannot have or what is realistically not feasible. People need to feel as though they have choice and control. When they feel powerless, it can certainly spur emotional reactivity. Identifying where we have power is essential to re-establishing composure.
One last consideration is whether a tantrum you are witnessing is connected to someone who is neurodivergent or struggling with severe mental health issues. Those two situations require different care and tools to navigate. In those cases, please seek help from mental health providers.