Boundaries: Untangling Enmeshed Relationships
I spend a fair amount of my practice helping clients untangle unhealthy dynamics in relationships. Sometimes the dynamic is with a partner, and often the dynamics are within a family system. Much of the untangling starts with understanding boundaries, usually emotional boundaries. Let’s dive into boundaries a little more to better understand them.
What are Boundaries?
When we think of boundaries, we often imagine a line signifying the end of one thing and the beginning of another which is true for physical boundaries. When we are talking about emotional boundaries the lines are sometimes not as clear or linear, which is why they often get crossed or not established in the first place. An emotional boundary is a rule or guideline establishing the way in which you want to be treated. There are many variances within emotional boundaries from person to person, so it is worthwhile to evaluate where your lines are and how to be clear about expressing them.
I’m focusing mostly on emotional boundaries in this blog, but there are several areas of boundaries to unravel. Nedra Glover Tawwab, therapist and author, wrote Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, which I highly recommend. Tawwab describes six boundary areas: Physical (personal space), Sexual (consent), Intellectual (thoughts and ideas, plus the expression of those), Emotional (feelings and the expression of those), Material (possessions), and Time (managing your time and respect for it).
Why are Boundaries important?
Boundaries are important because they are a measure of our self-value and esteem. When we take the time to understand and express our boundary lines, we are respecting ourselves and valuing our needs. Clear boundaries also create the opportunity for deeper intimacy, clarity, trust, and respect. When we are clear with our loved ones about the way we want to be treated, it deepens their knowing and understanding of us.
What are some signs that I’ve allowed my boundaries to be crossed?
The discussion of boundaries usually doesn’t occur with my clients until they experience a boundary being crossed. Here are some emotional reactions and experiences of boundary lines being crossed.
Resentment is a big indicator of a crossed boundary line. Have you ever done something for someone and then felt resentment afterward? Usually this is because you went beyond your own boundary. In my family we call it the "bitter backpack” and it can get pretty darn heavy if you aren’t careful with your boundaries.
Exhaustion is another indication of crossed boundaries. If you feel exhausted at the idea of returning someone’s phone call or doing a task, is it possible that you aren’t observing your own boundaries? Are you overcommitted? Or perhaps the person you are calling back doesn’t respect your boundaries and the idea of returning their call exhausts you? Exhaustion is a great clue for assessing relationships and time commitments.
If you find yourself experiencing shame or constantly questioning, “did I do something wrong?”, it’s possible your boundaries have been disrespected. Sometimes people struggle when boundaries are set and react in ways that project blame or shame. If you find yourself feeling this way, it can be helpful to run it past a neutral third party or talk with a therapist to better understand this dynamic.
What are some resources to better understand this work?
As mentioned above, one of the current leading experts in setting clear boundaries is Nedra Glover Tawwab. Tawwab has the book mentioned above as well as a workbook and an Instagram account with daily tips. On her website she has a link to a boundaries quiz and free resources. https://www.nedratawwab.com
Dr. Henry Cloud, leadership expert and author, and Dr. John Townsend, psychologist and business leadership coach, have a very thorough website with a free quiz. Their books are also featured on their website. https://www.boundariesbooks.com/pages/quiz
Give yourself the gift of checking in on your boundaries. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be.