Contempt: What is the Antidote?

Let’s begin with a definition of contempt. According to the dictionary, it is “a feeling of intense dislike for someone or something considered unworthy of respect or approval.” Contempt is inherently toxic. The most dangerous aspect of contempt is the lack of respect. It can be directed straight at someone or expressed through sarcasm, mockery, and condescension. Sadly, contempt has become more common in our culture and is sometimes even seen as justified. I want to clarify the risks associated with contempt and share a practice to reduce it.

The Danger of Contempt

Superiority is a fundamental aspect of contempt, rooted in feeling above others. This mindset is harmful in numerous ways. Each person is unique and deserving of appreciation, not judged as better or worse. While disagreeing with someone's beliefs or actions is valid, adopting a stance of superiority fosters a powerful dynamic that often leads to hatred and contempt. When superiority is celebrated, it hampers chances for open dialogue, mutual respect, understanding, or compromise.

Dr. John Gottman, a specialist in marriage stability and divorce prediction, considers contempt the most harmful of his “Four Horsemen” communication patterns in couples. He clearly states that contempt erodes intimacy and closeness, often leading to the end of relationships. Typically, contempt develops as a subtle resentment that remains unspoken and ignored. Once this resentment turns into a loss of respect, it is usually too late to repair.

Contempt breeds within the person who feels it, potentially causing elevated blood pressure, increased stress hormones, ongoing exhaustion, and a weakened immune response. It can lead to a vicious cycle: contempt stresses the body’s systems, causing discomfort, which then fuels anger and further increases contempt.

The Antidote

How do we shift the tide of this powerful and destructive emotion? Compassion.

Here is an exercise to cultivate compassion for someone you might feel contempt for. Think of someone you look down on or feel superior to. You're not asked to agree with them but to foster compassion to let go of what's emotionally or physically harmful to you.

The first step is to acknowledge your emotions about this person. Honor why you feel the way you do. You must develop compassion for yourself before you can extend it to someone else. Allow yourself to feel the anger and acknowledge the hurt.

The second step involves separating the individual from their actions. I often think of a newborn baby, who is born with survival instincts and curiosity. Babies are not born malicious; rather, we are conditioned by society to develop hatred, malice, and fear. People who are hurt tend to hurt others. Despite our imperfections, we all share a common humanity, and understanding this is central to cultivating compassion.

The third and final step is to practice the “Just Like Me” meditation, created by spiritual leaders Ram Dass and Mirabai Bush. This straightforward yet powerful exercise involves spending a few minutes saying “Just like me…” and completing the sentence with common human experiences. Although there are traditional phrases, they can be customized. Below are some examples.

Just like me, this person was born into this world.

Just like me, this person has experienced suffering.

Just like me, this person wants to be loved and understood.

Just like me, this person has felt sad, angry, and misunderstood.

And then you wish them well by saying:

I wish that this person be free from pain and suffering.

I wish that this person be peaceful and happy.

I wish that this person be loved.

Because this person is a fellow human being, just like me.

When we increase compassion, we decrease our personal stress and have a far greater ability to bridge the chasms that divide us.