Grief: The Off-Ramps

I just finished a call with my mom, who shared the sad news that my aunt has passed away. Although she was my aunt by marriage, she always felt like a deeply connected part of our family. Her passing has come as a shock, and her absence will be felt for a long time.

When my stepdad passed away unexpectedly in 2023, my sister-in-law offered a meaningful metaphor that our family embraced about the different ways to die. Her father had also died that year after battling cancer, and she described it as the “long off-ramp.” The “long off-ramp” allows us time to say our goodbyes, make thoughtful plans, and ensure we understand what the dying person wished and what the family needed afterward. There is nothing easy about the “long off-ramp” because often the decline leading to death is hard to witness, and the demands of care are exhausting. Frequently, the life you knew with that person changes forever as you watch them move slowly toward death, creating an extended grieving process before the person is gone.

Then there is the “short off-ramp,” which brings shock and confusion but often comes with the reassurance that your loved one didn’t suffer. We experienced this with my stepdad and now with my aunt. One of the hardest parts of the “short off-ramp” is all the things you didn’t get to say at the end. While many of us can accurately rationalize that our loved ones knew how we felt about them, it still stings when the opportunity is taken away.

Both off-ramps are challenging because death is challenging.

Writing is a therapeutic outlet for me, and I encourage my clients to engage in it as well. Whether through personal journaling or sharing written works, we have the opportunity to articulate feelings that may be difficult to express verbally or to deepen the words already shared.

My aunt read my blog every month, so I’m dedicating the rest of this one to her. She often reached out with such kind words after reading it, and I always cherished her praise. Having been a high school teacher, she never stopped inspiring those around her. She truly was a beacon of light! With her sharp mind, quick wit, phenomenal style, and all the best parts of southern charm, she could light up a room with her beautiful smile and lovely laugh. We shared a special bond as the first-born daughters in our families, which made us understand the importance of that role with a wink and a nod. Family played a vital role in her life, and she embodied thoughtfulness, responsibility, and dedication in everything she did.

She had just returned from a wonderful trip to London, where she celebrated a wedding at a beautiful castle. Traveling was one of her favorite things, and I’m truly grateful she experienced one last adventure. The last time I saw her, we shared countless laughs together. Remembering the warmth of her hugs and the brightness of her smile will always fill my heart.