Chaos: Non-Violent Communication
“What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It’s the only thing that there’s much too little of.”
Do you recognize this song lyric? If so, the melody might come to mind. It was a Burt Bacharach song first recorded in 1965 and rose to the top of the charts during the Vietnam War, amid protests, chaos, and upheaval in our country and worldwide. It feels like we're going through similar times again.
Although the above lyric is true, we can always use more love in this world for everyone; there is also an even older concept that provides a step-by-step approach, which can help with everything from navigating the current state of our world to managing personal relationships.
Marshall Rosenberg, an American psychologist who developed a communication method called Non-Violent Communication (NVC), grew up in Detroit during the 1943 race riots, where over 400 people were injured and 34 died. As a young Jewish boy, he experienced fear, anti-Semitism, and witnessed violence and discrimination. This fueled his lifelong interest in understanding human conflict, and he eventually worked as a mediator during civil rights conflicts in the 1960s, as well as mediating peace talks in Ireland, Africa, and the Middle East.
The Non-Violent Communication (NVC) method is based on the idea of connecting humans without judgment and understanding each other's needs. It emphasizes empathy, compassion, and honesty when listening and speaking to one another. I will outline the four main steps of NVC.
Observation
The first step is to report and listen to an observation. The key part of this approach is to do so without judgment, interpretation, or evaluation. It is important to be specific but neutral. Not adding analysis to the observation helps the other person hear it without feeling criticized or attacked.
Here is an example:
• Observation: “You arrived 15 minutes after our agreed time.”
• Not an observation (includes judgment): “You’re always late.”
Feelings
Following the shared observation, the next step is to express how you feel about the situation. Be specific about what you are feeling and distinguish it from any thoughts that might go along with it. This may seem difficult at first, but it will help the listener feel more open and connected by hearing your feelings without assumptions or stories you've created about them. Sharing your feelings is hard, but it deepens intimacy and connection.
Here is an example:
• Feeling: “I feel sad.”
• Feeling that is mixed up with a thought/story: “I feel like you don’t care.”
Needs
For me, the third step is the most crucial and may take some time to realize. NVC emphasizes that needs are a fundamental part of being human. We all need to feel secure, loved, respected, safe, and understood, among other things. When our needs aren't met or go unnoticed, we develop feelings related to those unmet needs. When we take responsibility for identifying and acknowledging our needs, our partners, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and fellow humans can begin to understand the feelings caused by unmet needs. The expression of a need names the feeling and links it to the need or value you hold. This creates common ground and enhances understanding.
Here is an example:
• Need: “When work comes in last minute, I feel stressed because I need more time to review and ensure quality.”
• Expression of blame and finger-pointing: “I need you to stop being so last-minute.”
Requests
The final step is to make a request that could help improve the situation. Requests should be clear and specific, include an action, be phrased positively, and invite discussion. A request is not a demand. You're asking your listening partner if they’re willing to try a new strategy, not giving them an ultimatum. It's important to maintain a collaborative tone by using words like “would you” or “will you.”
Here is an example:
• Not actionable and vague: “I want you to respect me.”
• Actionable and specific: “Would you be willing to listen to me without interrupting for the next five minutes?”
Let’s put it all together:
“When I see dishes left in the sink before I leave for work in the morning (observation), I feel disrespected and irritated (emotions) because I need more order in the kitchen when I come home to cook (need/value). Would you be willing to put your breakfast dishes in the dishwasher before you leave for work in the morning? (request)”
This method takes practice, but it is invaluable. In a world filled with chaos, bring NVC to your home to create more peace in your life.