Relationships: Updates and Check-ins
Relationships go through different stages. Most people notice the honeymoon phase that shifts into a more steady, rhythmic vibe. An often-overlooked part of relationships is that as they develop, they need periodic tune-ups or updates. Like car maintenance or software updates, relationships benefit from regular check-ins.
When starting a relationship, unspoken agreements often form its foundation. Examples include how the couple divides expenses for dining out, who plans outings, who initiates intimacy, and who handles specific chores. Usually, roles are assigned naturally, and interaction norms develop from established habits. This is especially clear when it feels like it is “easy” and “works.”
So, what changes within these interactive norms? Well, life is constantly evolving, and so are relationship dynamics. If you met in your 20s or 30s and are now in your 40s or 50s, you are developmentally different. Do you expect your relationship to stay the same? Hopefully not, because as you and your partner grow, your relationship must also adapt. Healthy relationships thrive when individuals grow, change, and mature together over time.
Often, these changes require renegotiations during check-ins. Where renegotiations become difficult is if, during the relationship's foundation, many agreements were unspoken. Perhaps one or both partners didn’t realize they made an agreement initially. Things just fell into place. At first, these are seen as blessings. “We just work so well together,” or “It’s just so easy.” Figuring out how something was established early on and then became an expectation can be tough, but it’s important to prevent arguments and blame. Resentment can grow quickly when uncommunicated expectations go unaddressed. If resentment or irritation seems to be occurring more often, it might be a sign that a renegotiation and adjustment are needed. Emotional intimacy can be hurt when we don’t allow for change and fail to communicate our updated needs.
Cam, Teddy, and the Laundry: Cam and Teddy are both professionals. Suppose Cam was working from home at the start of their relationship and found it easy to do laundry and run the dishwasher during the day. In that case, this might become an unspoken expectation for Cam to keep up with these chores. Without discussing it, Cam noticed what needed to be done and did it. When Cam switches to an in-office job with a commute, the laundry begins to pile up, and the dishwasher isn't run. Teddy gets frustrated seeing the laundry pile up. Cam also gets annoyed that Teddy isn’t helping out more. Cam and Teddy need to talk! They should check in and renegotiate their responsibilities.
Judging each other and making assumptions will only lead to tension, resentment, and distance. As life changes, we need to talk with our partners about how these updates will affect the relationship dynamic.
Examples of situations where you might need a tune-up:
Job changes for either partner
Adding a new family member (another person or pet)
New emotional impacts on either partner (such as grief, depression, anxiety)
Health issues for either partner or increased care for other family members and animals.
New interests (hobbies, school)
If communicating and renegotiating with your partner feels overwhelming, consider consulting a therapist to help you navigate this common relationship pattern.