Compassion: The Four Goals of Misbehavior
Alfred Adler, a notable psychologist, argued that all human actions, including misbehavior, are driven by specific goals. He concentrated on the child/parent relationship and developed a valuable tool to identify the child’s underlying goal. When a child’s needs are unmet, they tend to unconsciously aim for one of four "mistaken goals" to feel important. This chart illustrates the cycle of misbehavior, showing the child's hidden goal, the adult's emotional response, and the child's subsequent reaction.
When talking with parents, I advise them to focus on how they feel when their child is acting out. Their emotional reaction helps clarify what the goal should be.
Interestingly, this tool also applies to adult relationships. For instance, if you have a coworker who constantly bothers you, they might be seeking attention. If your spouse has emotionally withdrawn and you feel despair, they could be overwhelmed by hopelessness and feel stuck. Review the examples below, but don’t limit your perspective to parent/child situations—these principles often apply in many relationships.
In adult relationships, the goal isn’t to “parent” the other person, but to cultivate compassion for why they are acting this way.
It is important to recognize that these four categories do not cover behavior rooted in trauma or behaviors linked to neurodivergence.
The Four Mistaken Goals of Misbehavior
1. Undue Attention
Goal: The child seeks to be noticed.
Child's Belief: "I only belong when I'm being noticed.”
Adult's Reaction: Feels annoyed, irritated, or guilty.
Child's Response: Temporarily stops the behavior but soon resumes it or finds another way to seek attention.
Effective Adult Response:
Ignore the misbehavior when possible and provide positive attention for desired behavior.
Involve the child in a helpful task.
Plan special one-on-one time to fill their need for connection.
2. Misguided Power
Goal: The child wants to be in control.
Child's Belief: "I belong only when I am in control or when I am proving no one can boss me.”
Adult's Reaction: Feels challenged, threatened, or angry.
Child's Response: The child intensifies the misbehavior, becomes defiant, or exhibits passive resistance.
Effective Adult Response:
Avoid engaging in a power struggle.
Offer the child limited choices to give them a sense of control and autonomy.
Redirect their power toward individual, autonomous, and intentional actions.
3. Revenge
Goal: The child wants to hurt others because they feel hurt.
Child's Belief: "I am hurting, so I'll hurt you back.”
Adult's Reaction: Feels deeply hurt, disappointed, or disgusted.
Child's Response: Escalates the misbehavior or chooses a different "weapon".
Effective Adult Response:
Avoid feeling hurt or retaliating.
Acknowledge their pain and help them explore their feelings.
Focus on building a trusting relationship.
4. Display of Inadequacy
Goal: The child wants to give up and be left alone.
Child's Belief: "I can't do anything right, so there's no use in trying.”
Adult's Reaction: Feels despair, hopelessness, or inadequacy.
Child's Response: Retracts further and shows no improvement.
Effective Adult Response:
Refuse to give up on the child.
Break tasks into small, manageable steps.
Encourage any positive attempt and have faith in their ability.