Self-sabotage: What’s the Real Message?

I work with many clients to help them change their lives and establish goals for those changes. We frequently analyze behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that shape our thinking, as well as recurring patterns in relationships. By evaluating and understanding these patterns, we identify key areas for intervention. It’s often remarkable and exciting to uncover the core issue that needs to shift. From there, we develop a plan to implement the change. Usually, this plan doesn't succeed immediately, sometimes because clients aren’t ready to let go of the pattern, or because self-sabotage gets in the way. Let’s take a closer look at self-sabotage.

What is self-sabotage?

Self-sabotaging is typically a subconscious habit that undermines your goals, behavior changes, and progress. It often appears as a recurring pattern of behavior that can be either subtle or obvious. Examples include everything from procrastination and rejecting others before they reject you to being late, comfort eating, or substance abuse. Often, these behaviors originate in childhood, sometimes due to trauma, or because they are modeled by the adults you've observed. The key to overcoming self-sabotage is to recognize when you are engaged in the behavior and understand the underlying reasons.

Three Whys of Self-Sabotage

I’ve identified three main components at the heart of self-sabotage. There are likely more, but these are the ones I most commonly discuss with clients. Do any of these resonate with your own self-sabotaging behaviors?

Control

This concept may seem contradictory. When we experience self-sabotage, it can feel like it is beyond our control. The traffic made me late; I had a bad day, so I deserved the pint of ice cream; I can’t go to the gym because I’m too busy. These examples of sabotage might seem like they are out of our control, but in reality, they are often done subconsciously to take control of something we are not ready to commit to or change. When you truly prioritize changing a behavior, one goal is to identify the factors that block progress. Check how long it takes to get somewhere with or without traffic, avoid having ice cream in the house, and create a schedule that includes the gym. Yes, unexpected things happen, but not every day. Honesty is essential when evaluating what stands in the way of your goals. Are you subconsciously creating obstacles?

Scapegoating

Scapegoating is closely connected to the idea of control. It's much easier to blame someone or something else than to accept personal responsibility. As adults, we must recognize that we are responsible for our decisions and actions. No matter how angry someone makes us, or how much we can’t change the person we’re dealing with, or the cruelty and rejection we face in this world, we still have control over our lives. It’s essential to recognize where your power lies. When we point the finger at someone or something for making our life more complicated, three fingers are pointing back at us. Own that accountability. Find your strength and make choices despite the obstacles.

Boredom

If drama is part of your worldview, you might find yourself starting fights or sabotaging when you're bored. This can surprise many people, but if you grew up in a traumatic home or got used to chaos as a regular part of your life, self-sabotage might provide a strange comfort. Surprisingly, our nervous system and psyche can get used to the intensity of drama, even seeking drama out when life is calm. If this resonates with you at all, consider working with a professional to break these patterns. Chaos and self-sabotage don't have to be your default.

Self-sabotage can be fixed. Identify your sabotage behaviors, understand the reasons behind them, and move toward your goals more smoothly.